Bear With Me Here

“Actions speak louder than words.”

It’s a challenge, right? A challenge to take our words and beliefs and turn them into actions, to make them visible.

Sometimes it’s an encouragement, sometimes a terrifying and miserable challenge.

I’m a Christian. I love Jesus. I love serving, worshipping, praising and following Jesus. I love talking about Jesus and what serving, worshipping and following Him looks like. I think I’m ok with words. Whether words to myself or words to others, I think I do okay at encouraging people to love Jesus and to strive to love Jesus.

While I think I’m okay with words. I’m shamed by the much louder voice of my actions.

I don’t think my actions don’t love Jesus. I mean, I screw up and do or say things that don’t love Jesus. Or I fail to love the “neighbour” that He calls me to love. Obviously, this isn’t great.

But that’s not the thing that shames me.

The thing about my actions that shames me is the frequency with which I see or experience my atheist or secular friends doing a better job of loving their neighbours than me.

To be clear, I don’t think it’s a competition. I’m not ashamed that there are atheists more loving than me. It’s a beautiful thing. I’m definitely not saying that human decency is or should be restricted to something done by Christians. In a way, it’s almost more impressive, I am commanded to love, to respond to the love Christ showed me by imitating His love by following His example. Meanwhile they love simply because their of their conscience.

What shames me is that the Jesus whom I love commands me to love people, but when I stop to think and reflect, the forgiveness, grace, love and compassion shown by my secular friends to and around me far outshines my own.

I am not ashamed that they are good.

I am ashamed by what the light of their goodness shows me.

I am ashamed of my failings.

I don’t think I need to outshine them in these areas. I don’t think Jesus’ love for me hinges on how I compare to my friends.

I’m not ashamed because my secular friends are doing the practical side of Christianity better than me. I’m ashamed by how much better than me they are at it. I don’t need to be better than them, it’s not a competition, but I shouldn’t be falling as short of the mark as I am. I’m ashamed because I can talk the talk, I believe, but when the rubber hits the road, I suck. I am terrible at loving people in deed as well as word. Heck, I frequently suck at even loving people in word.

I guess ultimately this is a weak attempt to apologise. I’m sorry that I don’t love with my actions the way I should. I’m sorry I don’t even love with words the way I should. I’m sorry that I’m so ungracious, unkind, unforgiving and unloving.

It’s also a plea: bear with me. It’s not that I don’t want to love you like Jesus. It’s just that I’m a long way from being like Jesus right now.

We’ve learned at bible college over the last few weeks that, while there are many gifts of the Spirit, there is only one fruit of the Holy Spirit. Love. I guess for me this means that the tree is there, the fruit is growing, but it’s still a long way from being ripe.

I promise the fruit of the Spirit is growing, please stick around till it’s ripe.

So please. Be patient with me as I seek to love Him better and to love you better. Bear with me. Keep in touch. Keep being that shining light that shows how far I have to go. I know I’m not great at it. But I’m trying.

That counts right?

Family of Grace

This year hasn't been easy. It's had its high points but it's also had a lot of low points. So just like any other year really. Some of the high points have been higher than usual, some of the low points longer and lower than usual. This year though. This year is different in a big way.

I was chatting with a friend this afternoon about this year and the annually challenging points and she said something that this year has demonstrated on a profoundly deep level for me.

She said that one of the ways God shows grace is by giving us people who will stubbornly love us when we can't love ourselves. People who won't give up on us when we give up on us. Who won't go away when we want them to. People who will hug us when we just want want to be left alone because they know we need the hug more than we need to be alone.

We have a lot of blessings here in Sydney. We have health and wealth and safety and so many good things.

But apart from the love of Christ the greatest blessing in my life is without a doubt the small group of people who love me when I don't

Who turn up on the nights when I don't want to eat to cook me dinner because they know I need to eat. Who turn up to work on hard workdays to remind me that work is survivable. Who know I can't accept generosity so don't offer it but transfer simply transfer money when I'm struggling so I can afford things I would otherwise struggle to pay for.

I have a lot of clothes. Probably too much. Most of it is op shop clothing because I love quirky stuff. Some of it it stupidly priced but fun. Some of it was gifted. But there is one piece of clothing I value above everything else I own. It's a size too big and it was second hand. There's slight fading around the bottom. But I wear it all the time. Because this piece of clothing was given to me by a friend when I was mourning someone I didn't know anywhere near as well as I probably could have but who was a massive blessing to me years ago. My friend knew I was hurting and gave me this beautiful, shiny piece of clothing to serve as a reminder that I'm not alone. That I'm loved.

These things. These tiny little things. Done by this beautiful little family God has given me. Are the most valuable, beautiful and encouraging things in my life.

Sometimes I can't love myself.

Sometimes I need people to stubbornly love me anyway.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that Jesus loves me anyway.

I want to love like this. I want to be a person that shows people what God's love looks like. I want to love Jesus and love like Jesus and be someone who shows people what that looks like. I'm not very good at that, I sometimes struggle to love almost as much as I struggle to be loved.

Maybe that's why this little family of grace is so special to me. Because they show me daily what it looks like to love Jesus. To love like Jesus and to love people even when it's hard.

These moments and these people aren't a blessing because of what they do in the moment, although those things bless me, they are blessings because they show me what God's love and grace look like and they help me to love Him more.