“Even though our hearts are prone to wander
We could never run beyond His reach
Nothing in the world could separate us
From the love of Christ our King”
About a week ago I stood, hands raised high and with 1400 other people declared these words at the top of my lungs as we were lead in worship. And I felt guilty. Not for raising my hands,or for being at the worship night. Not for being a tall person near the front of a crowd. I felt guilty because these words I was declaring with conviction were words a declaration of a truth that I had been wrestling with for over a month.
The year started with an unexpected change in circumstances and I wasn’t feeling in control. My situation was a source of anxiety and frustration. I knew that God was in control. I believed that with all my heart.
I was not lying or pretending when I sang those words at the top of my lungs last week.
I just…
I couldn’t see how.
My heart was wandering down paths of anxiety and doubt. Not in my salvation, but in God’s plan for me. Doors I had expected to be open were slammed in my face and I just couldn’t see where God was going.
Then I broke.
I stood in church on Saturday night and for the first time since I started attending that church my hands stayed by my side as I sang. My body didn’t respond to the music. I barely even heard the words of the sermon
I was spent.
My anxiousness over events of that day combined with the temperature had kept me up till 3:30am, my morning had not gone the way i had planned and seemed to be cascading towards an abyss. I described my state of mind to a dear brother as “Impending hurricane”.
I arrived at church on Saturday night, exhausted. It was hot. My lack of sleep and the tension of the morning and really the whole day was catching up with me. I took the time to stop and rest with a brother during the afternoon, we sat in a park and drank slurpees and sat in quiet companionship. It was a nice calm in a hectic day. But by the time I got to church that rest had caught up to me and my whole being wanted nothing more than to rest.
God though, He had a lesson in mind. I was in a less than ideal state for church. But the perfect state for him to reveal the truth of the words I had sung just days before.
“Even though our hearts are prone to wander
We could never run beyond His reach
Nothing in the world could separate us
From the love of Christ our King”
Church ended. And I sat. Head down. Spent.
“Hi Frosty”
A dear sister, one of the most encouraging and beautiful women in our church had come over. People had barely started leaving their seats, I just wanted to sleep and yet somehow here she was.
I was like an elastic band at full stretch.
She sat down next to me and asked if I was ok. She’d noticed that I wasn’t my usual self.
The elastic band snapped.
I cried, all over her.
And bless her she sat there and spoke the word of God into my aching soul. She didn’t dismiss or diminish my exhaustion or my emotional and spiritual wretchedness.
She hugged me and pointed me to Jesus. She reminded me that all we can do is cast our anxieties on God.
She pointed me to 1 Peter 5:7. Which is constantly misused but was exactly What I needed to hear “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” There is no promise that it will go away. Just a command to entrust our anxiety to our Father in Heaven because we know he cares for us.
How could I walk the streets tonight blasting songs of praise with my soul repeating that refrain from a week ago, full of Joy?
Because through that sister God showed me that I can never run beyond His reach. He nudged someone to go speak to me and gave her the words I needed to hear. He put it on my housemate’s heart to stop me as I left for my first day of college today and to pray over me. He has provided people who rebuke me in my pride and stubbornness with love, who inflict me with generosity because they know their generosity is an answer to oft unasked prayer. He gave the minister I had lunch with today the wisdom I needed to hear. I cannot thank these people enough. But I must thank god even more for his active, ernest, loving pursuit through these people.
I am not free from worry and doubt. I should be. But I’m not there yet. These events have shown me a truth that still needs to seep from my heart to my head. This morning my bus was late and then agonisingly slow as I got closer and closer to being late for class. I got to practice casting my anxiety on God. I did a terrible job of it. But it’s a start, and hey I made it to class before it started so I guess God was at work there too.
I can stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in humble awe of the God of the universe because I have seen His provision. I have seen him run after me when I felt most separated from Him and I have seen His love in pouring grace upon me when I needed it.
Ultimately He made it so I could never run beyond his reach and never be separated from his love by my wandering heart by dying. Isn’t that the whole point of Christ on the cross? To break down the barriers of death and sin so that we would never be separated from His love.
God is great. He has done great things in little things. He redeemed an awful day and used it to springboard into an amazing week.
And now I can sing, with conviction and without guilt
Even though my heart is prone to wander
I can never run beyond His reach
Nothing in the world could separate me
From the love of Christ my King
