Of the many things we are taught as Christians to avoid, gossip is perhaps one of the most prevalent and obvious in our community. As a consequence it is a topic about which we are regularly warned, the Bible itself is pretty explicit; "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:39) and "Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not" (1 Timothy 5:13) both come to mind here. It seems pretty clear that gossip isn't a good thing, it tends to be damaging to communities and is generally unhelpful.
What on earth is this post about then?
There is a problem with the way the topic of gossip is preached on in churches. Because the Bible is not specific on what constitutes gossip and because society has changed a lot over the last 2000 years we are left to guess at what the authors meant when they referred to gossip. The context of the passages mentioning gossip also mention busybodies, foul or corrupting talk, slander, malice and lies. But because gossip seems to have it’s own category we tend to simply do as the scriptural authors did all those years ago and simply be vague and broad when talking about gossip.
What is the problem then?The problem is that modern Christians, especially teenage ones, are often left feeling like they can't seek counsel of their peers or leaders regarding grievances, problems, general complaints without stepping into the murky waters of gossip.
Why is this a problem?
It’s a problem because a community cannot grow and bond if it’s flaws are not addressed. And it’s impossible to fix a problem no one knows about. I have seen people move churches because there were things that they didn't like, approve of, feel comfortable with or even that just didn't work for them and because they didn't want to seem like they were gossiping they endured it until they couldn't anymore and as it got less and less bearable they began withdrawing until they were no longer a part of that community. For some people this means falling away from the faith, for others they simply find a new church. The end result is the same, the community is damaged because everyone was afraid of damaging the community by gossiping.
I’m not saying that gossiping is OK, it’s not. But there is a distinct difference between gossiping which is either inane, malicious spreading falsehood and raising a legitimate concern.
How do we not cross the line and fall into gossiping when raising a concern?
The key here I think is raising a concern with the right person. Either the cause of your concern or someone who is in a position to address the issue. There is a difference between raising a concern about the way your bible study interacts with someone on the pastoral team and bitching to a group of friends about how bitchy and shallow the group has become (this is an example only, just to be clear). Your friends can’t do anything about your problem, except tell someone else and end up spreading gossip like wildfire, your minister/pastor/leader on the other hand can give you guidance on how you can work through the concern and can help to address it at a senior level. It may also be necessary to raise your concern with a senior member of your ministry team if you have confronted someone about your concern and they are unwilling to listen or change. This must be carefully and lovingly done in order to build them up not cut them down.
Is it ever ok to tell someone who can’t directly address the issue?
Yes I think it is. Sometimes we need guidance and assistance, maybe we're unsure of what we should do or afraid to raise the concern or maybe the person who can best address your concern is the cause of the concern. In this case my advice is to seek assistance from someone unconnected with your concern or anyone affected by your concern. Find an utterly neutral party who preferably doesn’t know anyone associated with your concern, in this way you can seek advice and assistance without it turning into a gossip session.
HOWEVER!!
You need to be wary when doing this that seeking help doesn't turn into a massive bitching session because that doesn't do anyone justice and is just as bad as gossiping.
The take-away message…
It’s ok to have a problem with something or someone and I believe it’s beneficial to the community at large to address that concern before things get out of hand. Care needs to be taken in doing so however that we do avoid it becoming gossip by carefully selecting who we share our concerns with, preferably someone who can address the problem but if that isn't possible for you, isn't something you feel comfortable doing or if you're unsure of what to do then it’s OK to seek advice from someone however they should be someone completely neutral and unconnected to both the concern and anyone connected to the concern.
The Last Word:
This isn't about pursuing a personal vendetta, but about building up the body of Christ and working for your family’s best. You should do so out of genuine love for your family in Christ.
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