There are some areas where I think Christians generally tend to drop the ball. One of those areas is the topic of singleness and the way the Bible is interpreted and applied regarding singleness. I am often struck by the discrepancy between the way that Christians exalt marriage as though it is central to our purpose on this earth while at the same time preaching about the way the Apostle Paul upholds singleness. We often relegate singleness to the status of “fallback” or last resort as though it’s something that those who are single choose when they run out of options and in doing so we pity our single friends but then we hypocritically call singleness a “gift”.
The myth of the “gift”
I suppose in the end it comes down to our understanding of what a gift is, what is a gift for some may be a curse for others. I think singleness can be the same, there are certainly plenty of people out there who are happily and contentedly single. For those people maybe singleness is a gift. But for others it is a battle they face every day, they want nothing more than a relationship like what everyone around them seems to be having, and it just isn't happening, for some Christians relationship can become an idol.
Personally
And then there’s me, and this is why being pityingly informed that singleness is a gift is so frustrating. Because for me singleness isn’t a state I’m content in, but it’s also not a curse I feel like I can’t escape. For me singleness is my cross.
Sounds odd right? But bear with me.
Singleness may be a gift, but I don’t have it.
The type of relationship I want doesn’t line up with what I know God wants for me. Which leaves me with two options, I can either do what I want and ignore what God wants or I can do what God wants at the cost of what I want.
Jesus calls us to daily take up our cross and follow him. My singleness is part of me doing this.
"whoever wishes to be my disciple must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24)
What does it mean to “carry your cross”
I think the cross represents three things primarily.
Humility, sacrifice and grace.
And this is why I class my choice of singleness as being part of my cross. The decision initially and then remaining committed to that choice in the face of the trials of life requires me to humble myself before God, recognising that He is greater than I and knows best I must humbly submit to his will. It requires me to sacrifice my desire for a relationship and everything that entails at the foot of the cross of Christ. That isn’t to say that He takes away my desire to be coupled but rather that in spite of my desire I surrender it. That’s why it’s called sacrifice.
Ok those first two kinda make sense but grace, I mean really come on!
In truth grace is the biggest of the three, because it is grace that allows me to carry the burden of the cross. It is the grace of God in sending Christ to die so that I could be His child, it is the grace of my christian friends who know they can’t fill the void but who love and support me and who often help me carry the weight. It is the grace of my ministers and youth leaders in loving me through the rough patches and not patronising me with how great the “gift” of singleness is.
I would like to think that I glorify God in this, I believe that every circumstance is part of God's plan and that my circumstances have come about for the same reason God brings about any circumstances. I would like to think that I glorify God in my life by showing that I care more about God than fulfilling my desires for that kind of relationship.
Less personally
I do pastoral care stuff, many of the people I care for are single. And for them it sucks, they want to date. I said earlier that relationship can become an idol, some of you reading this probably laughed, you haven’t met my friends who are struggling with issues of self worth and self image because they feel like they’re facing rejection at every corner. I have had calls from people, girls and guys, in tears because of the crushing weight of the loneliness they feel.
Not only do these people have do deal with all of that, but they then go to church and see those cute couples holding hands as they sing, they get to hear all about the couples night coming up, some nights they get to hear about how great dating, marriage and sex are and how God wants everyone to get married and have lots of sex.
Just in case I haven’t hammered this in enough let me be very clear, our churches can often be part of the problem!
And often at the end of a sermon on marriage and the wonders of sex and children and such, having endured all the coupled people obliviously being cutesy, they get to hear the “singleness is great too, go be a missionary” disclaimer that feels like more of an afterthought than a point in the sermon.
Tell me again about how I have the “gift” of singleness?
The take away
For me singleness is a choice and a sacrifice. To call it a gift is to make it something other than it is, it’s not something that I enjoy, in fact some days it downright sucks. To turn around and call what I experience a gift contradicts what I believe God is calling for me to do.
For many in our congregations singleness isn’t a gift, it may be a circumstance and we know that in all things God is working for our good, but that doesn’t make it a gift. Any growing and learning that results can be called a gift bit I would not call singleness a gift in such a circumstance. If the mechanism by which we receive gifts is a gift then Christmas becomes a gift not because it reminds us of Christ’s birth and God’s plan, but rather Christmas could be seen as a gift because it results in gifts.
Only one gift begets gifts, and that is the Holy spirit. We receive the Holy Spirit as a gift from God and through it we develop the fruits of the spirit and other gifts for the glory of God.
Oh and please stop trying to set us single people up....it's woefully depressing and adds pressure to couple that is unhelpful and can result in people pairing up forthe wrong reasons and much pain tends to ensue.
Yes singleness can be a gift. But it isn’t always a gift. Please stop going on about the great mythical gift of singleness.
The myth of the “gift”
I suppose in the end it comes down to our understanding of what a gift is, what is a gift for some may be a curse for others. I think singleness can be the same, there are certainly plenty of people out there who are happily and contentedly single. For those people maybe singleness is a gift. But for others it is a battle they face every day, they want nothing more than a relationship like what everyone around them seems to be having, and it just isn't happening, for some Christians relationship can become an idol.
Personally
And then there’s me, and this is why being pityingly informed that singleness is a gift is so frustrating. Because for me singleness isn’t a state I’m content in, but it’s also not a curse I feel like I can’t escape. For me singleness is my cross.
Sounds odd right? But bear with me.
Singleness may be a gift, but I don’t have it.
The type of relationship I want doesn’t line up with what I know God wants for me. Which leaves me with two options, I can either do what I want and ignore what God wants or I can do what God wants at the cost of what I want.
Jesus calls us to daily take up our cross and follow him. My singleness is part of me doing this.
"whoever wishes to be my disciple must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24)
What does it mean to “carry your cross”
I think the cross represents three things primarily.
Humility, sacrifice and grace.
And this is why I class my choice of singleness as being part of my cross. The decision initially and then remaining committed to that choice in the face of the trials of life requires me to humble myself before God, recognising that He is greater than I and knows best I must humbly submit to his will. It requires me to sacrifice my desire for a relationship and everything that entails at the foot of the cross of Christ. That isn’t to say that He takes away my desire to be coupled but rather that in spite of my desire I surrender it. That’s why it’s called sacrifice.
Ok those first two kinda make sense but grace, I mean really come on!
In truth grace is the biggest of the three, because it is grace that allows me to carry the burden of the cross. It is the grace of God in sending Christ to die so that I could be His child, it is the grace of my christian friends who know they can’t fill the void but who love and support me and who often help me carry the weight. It is the grace of my ministers and youth leaders in loving me through the rough patches and not patronising me with how great the “gift” of singleness is.
I would like to think that I glorify God in this, I believe that every circumstance is part of God's plan and that my circumstances have come about for the same reason God brings about any circumstances. I would like to think that I glorify God in my life by showing that I care more about God than fulfilling my desires for that kind of relationship.
Less personally
I do pastoral care stuff, many of the people I care for are single. And for them it sucks, they want to date. I said earlier that relationship can become an idol, some of you reading this probably laughed, you haven’t met my friends who are struggling with issues of self worth and self image because they feel like they’re facing rejection at every corner. I have had calls from people, girls and guys, in tears because of the crushing weight of the loneliness they feel.
Not only do these people have do deal with all of that, but they then go to church and see those cute couples holding hands as they sing, they get to hear all about the couples night coming up, some nights they get to hear about how great dating, marriage and sex are and how God wants everyone to get married and have lots of sex.
Just in case I haven’t hammered this in enough let me be very clear, our churches can often be part of the problem!
And often at the end of a sermon on marriage and the wonders of sex and children and such, having endured all the coupled people obliviously being cutesy, they get to hear the “singleness is great too, go be a missionary” disclaimer that feels like more of an afterthought than a point in the sermon.
Tell me again about how I have the “gift” of singleness?
The take away
For me singleness is a choice and a sacrifice. To call it a gift is to make it something other than it is, it’s not something that I enjoy, in fact some days it downright sucks. To turn around and call what I experience a gift contradicts what I believe God is calling for me to do.
For many in our congregations singleness isn’t a gift, it may be a circumstance and we know that in all things God is working for our good, but that doesn’t make it a gift. Any growing and learning that results can be called a gift bit I would not call singleness a gift in such a circumstance. If the mechanism by which we receive gifts is a gift then Christmas becomes a gift not because it reminds us of Christ’s birth and God’s plan, but rather Christmas could be seen as a gift because it results in gifts.
Only one gift begets gifts, and that is the Holy spirit. We receive the Holy Spirit as a gift from God and through it we develop the fruits of the spirit and other gifts for the glory of God.
Oh and please stop trying to set us single people up....it's woefully depressing and adds pressure to couple that is unhelpful and can result in people pairing up forthe wrong reasons and much pain tends to ensue.
Yes singleness can be a gift. But it isn’t always a gift. Please stop going on about the great mythical gift of singleness.
Both singleness and marriage carry pros and cons, according to Paul. Perhaps both are "gifts" in that they provide the opportunity for the person (people) to serve and love God with everything that is in them, even in their less-than-ideal (from a human perspective) circumstances.Anyway, good blog post. - B.
ReplyDeleteI like your thoughts, brother! I think talking about singleness as a cross (for those who might not want it so much) is a great way of talking about it! It's a cross that some might have the opportunity to lay down, or might have to carry right 'til the end. And I think for many (and myself at the moment) the humility, sacrifice and grace of carrying the cross of singleness each day are definitely present!
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